by Swami Vimalananda

“Can you hold the door of your tent wide to the firmament?” asks Lao Tzu in a poem.

Are we firm in ourselves? Or does it feel like we are holding onto a pole with our arms while our legs are dangling in the wind? It may even feel like our arms have lost their grip, and we are barely holding on by our fingertips, living in constant fear and pain as the hurricane winds rush by.

In contrast, what freedom and strength to be wide open to the wild winds of the world and still have a strong sense of wholeness and wellbeing.

How can we be strong with the wild winds, the uncertainties in our lives? Most of us try to control the externals, feeling that if we can control things according to our wishes, we will feel safe internally. I have often noticed that people who feel out of control seem to love to give advice. 

Trying to control people and things is a very tenuous position at best. It seems like the more we depend on outside stability, the more fear and pain we experience.

I feel there is also an added component, not only do we feel out of control but also if we were really known, we would be found unacceptable. 

I remember quite well when it occurred to me that I was unacceptable to people, mostly men, because of my unaccommodating nature. I have a strong personality, which is fundamentally rebellious. My knee jerk reaction to someone making a bold statement is, “Oh, why?” I also am an extrovert and love being with people and feel quite comfortable taking charge. I learned quite early this didn’t work, and found many men steering clear of me, along with some women too.

But compromising myself didn’t work well either. I knew I was an impostor. I was not really loved for who I truly was, nor was I accepted for my perceptions. I longed to be independent, yet I was still seeking acceptance and love. I didn’t see a way out.

I remember very clearly that every time I felt tired, when my defenses were down, a feeling of aloneness and isolation would descend upon me.

I said to Sri Gurudev thinking of my dilemma, “You know me better than I know myself,” and he nodded his head. He then told me to be the strongest person I could possibly be. It was the first time I received that message. I actually felt a warm feeling of strength flow through my veins. After all these years his words still mean so much to me.

I remember very clearly when I asked Sri Gurudev, “But why am I still so angry, even experiencing rage at times?” I felt that I was very capable of getting into physical altercations, thinking that my rage made me strong. This was occurring at the same time that my life was outwardly easeful.

He whispered in my ear, “You constantly betray your own self.” I felt that he stabbed me deeply with a barbed knife in my gut, twisted it, and added more injury as he pulled the knife out. 

I hated him for saying it. It took days before I was able to look at what he said and to see if it had merit. After looking at my past, I realized that I have betrayed myself many, many times. I am very humbled, and ashamed to this day when I look back on the many times and ways I betrayed myself.

I now see why he stabbed me so deeply. It is a constant reminder to never betray myself again.

The way out is to change our perspective. We are in control of our own thoughts.

We are not the victims of fate. Even though our external environment can be one of depravity, we can become warriors for our own selfhood. We are capable of living in a place where we can maintain and grow in our inner strength and open our tent doors wide to the firmaments. We can be stable, act with integrity and courage, and happily watch our crazy world go by. We can be loved for who we truly are. 

We can begin to do the daily work of changing our thoughts from the negative to the positive, from the selfish to the selfless. As Sri Gurudev said, “It is our first and foremost duty to analyze all our own motives and try to cultivate selfless thoughts.” It is the way out of pain and into the inner realm of peace, surrounded by love.

It is a commitment and a discipline.  It is not one insight, it is not one and done. The realization is the first step. As Pema Chodrin stated, “I have become very wary of breakthroughs.”  It is like every other discipline — slowly, change occurs with practice. Practice as Sri Gurudev stated, with “patience, devotion, and faith”.

It is a commitment to the dailiness of replacing the feelings of victimization and powerlessness to one of inner strength. It takes vigilance to analyze our thoughts, accept what it is that we feel and acknowledge the hurt. We then take the next step knowing the way to healing is through expressing positive and selfless thoughts to ourselves and others.  As Sri Gurudev stated, “Leaving others feeling better about themselves using the discipline of speech: Pleasant, truthful, and beneficial.”

As we begin to feel encouraged by the development of inner strength and love, we will continue on to the fullness of freedom.

“Come, come whoever you are, wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving. Come, this is not a caravan of despair. Come, even though you have broken your vows a thousand times, come, come again, come.”

—Rumi

Swami Vimalananda Ma, RYT500, is an Integral Yoga sannyasi – monk. She has been involved with Integral Yoga since 1971 and Director of the San Francisco Integral Yoga Institute from 1992-2011. She specializes in teaching yoga philosophy and spiritual counseling.